The Archives: May 2009 - March 2011

8.17.2010

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.


Where am I? For the past three months I have been feeling like I have been running through a maze trying to find my way. All that I can do is look up because what is in front of me and what I have left behind appear to be made of the same, and what is below me I cannot see. When I gaze upward I see the sun rising and setting and I know that the days are going by but I feel lost in them as well. It's almost like I can sense that I am near the outlet but I no longer have the energy needed to search for it. It is lonely in this maze, no friends, no loved ones, no rescue team. Everyone else seems to have found their way through it but me. For some reason this is a challenge I must face alone, but I don't know how.

Faith is something that I held onto so tightly for as long as I can remember, but believing something to be the truth and feeling that you are living in that truth are two different things. I struggle to make my spirit and soul happy. I believe strongly in the Holy Trinity, but is it really the only way. I yearn for more, and I know deep down that no religion alone will satisfy my desire to feel connected, to feel inter-weaved with all of the other fabrics of life, but even when I have given all that I felt I could give of myself, I still am not feeling embraced by the light like I have experienced before. Why am I so empty? Where has my passion gone? What can I do to get back the explosive joy that used to come from sharing scripture, from celebrating traditions? How am I going to pick up and teach this coming year if I myself am lost?

I don't want to give up. I don't want to lay defeated. I have tasted the goodness of a spiritually full life and to live with anything less than that passion I once had would be the equivalent of not living. I thirst for clarity in this desert of mine, but maybe my previous experiences were all just a mirage to begin with.

3 comments:

elizabeth said...

this is very touching. i needed this today. thanks Jayka!

LaLa said...

I'm so proud of you for sharing your inner thoughts and feelings you've come a long way and it's an awesome thing to put your feelings into words (blog post) and release it once and for all. Keep your head up and just moving forward! love you

Melissa said...

I feel this way often. It feels like never ending battle with myself.... and I always feel alone, but you know what you are not alone. If you look there are so many people cheering you on. Its just hard to see past what you are feeling sometimes. I know this, because I do the same thing. Love you Jessica!